OK, before you come at me, I have not seen Groundhog Day. I know a very basic premise of a guy reliving the same day over and over again until he changes something about himself [maybe I'm right in that]. I am acutely aware of my every move this summer. I am acutely aware of everything I do that is the same as last summer. I see the one year mark looming. August has begun. In some ways it feels like nothing will change. In a way, it feels like everything will change.
Yesterday, I drove up to my house. It was dark, no lights were on [redundant, I know]. I forgot I was going to the movies after work. I hadn't switched the lights on because I planned on being home right after work. Normally my dad always turned on the lights after he walked my dog. It's little things you never knew you'd miss.
So I drove up and I paused. I had already been crying on the drive home. The last time I drove up to a dark house was the day my dad died. I had expected to be home before dark that day too. Instantly I was taken back - back to the first time I had to go in my house while my world crumbled around me.
That day I saw the darkness all around my house. I felt the darkness inside. I had been going nonstop. I was numb. I had so much energy that I just walked up and down my street. I shook my hands. I paced. I called a friend and talked and talked. I don't think I took a breath. I didn't want the next moment or the next. I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to close my eyes at night. I remember walking into the most deafening silence.
I remember all the nothing that I felt deep in my gut. The loneliness. The reality. My dad didn't live with me but something was gone that day.
Photo apps are so fun for reliving memories. Photo apps are gut wrenching for reliving memories. It has been on my mind a lot that I am in the last days of the memories I made with my dad "last year." A video popped up of my dad shivering with his hands up to his chest as he slowly got in the pool. That pool - the most bittersweet gift he left us.
Summer. Summer was different last year.
Last year he and I were running around. Last year we were watching my nephew play baseball. Last year we were planning. Last year we were having grilled burgers and BLTs and corn. I only wanted to eat corn if it was good corn. Last year dad was building a deck and making trips to Lowe's. Last year dad was fighting the effects of chemo. Last year dad was planning for one more trip to Florida. Last year dad got a pool installed at his house. Last year dad and I went to Culver's every day for 2 weeks just to get a strawberry cooler [it was one of the only things that he enjoyed while his mouth was messed up from chemo]. Always a bite followed with his eyes closed and a "mmm, refreshing!" Last year he drank ice cold Mountain Dew and imitated the commercial "ahh, shoot that's good."
This year I am in my very own "Groundhog Day." I feel like I am reliving all those last days in an endless loop - feeling like maybe, possibly, if one thing is different - my world will be different. I can't really describe it. It's a surreal feeling. I feel transported in time. I don't feel like I'm present in the same time as anyone else anymore. It's all palpable. Every trip to the pool - deja vu - ... It's all a build to the big moment.
It's not just the moments with dad that I find on repeat - continuous bouts of deja vu. I find myself living the same life as last summer. Last year I was picking myself up after a break up. And my dad was helping me with that. My confidence was growing. This summer, my confidence is the highest it's been in a long time. Last summer, I wanted more. I was getting out of my comfort zone. And then my dad died.
I am once again pushing myself outside of my comfort zone. I am getting back into dating - same time as I did last year. I am walking every day, just like last year. Last year, I tried to get my hair back to the rose gold that I had once known and loved. Dad died a week later. I couldn't get that color out fast enough and hoped it didn't show at the funeral [even though he kinda liked my hair with some pink in it]. But I have found myself asking for rose gold again - and loving it again.
2021 vs 2022
Then it hits me.
I am anxious in this loop. Am I really just trying to gain some control? I am scared. Is the other shoe going to drop? What reality will smack me in the face? Do I remember all the bad that happened after I started doing all of these things - after I started smiling again - after I picked myself up?
Do I stop? I must stop. Remember what happened last time I found myself here? I hesitate. I retreat. I try to change nothing. Why did I go back to this hair color? Why am I smiling? I shouldn't show myself being happy. I shouldn't film myself walking with a lightness to my step and a smile on my face. I did that last year. Because I know what's coming. Or is it that I don't know what's coming? But I know what happened last year...
I had therapy this week. I told her about my attempts at dating [and the perils - mostly the perils]. I told her about work. I told her about these overwhelming emotions that started back up in June. And then I told her about my "Groundhog" moments. I told her how I didn't feel myself consciously repeating the same actions - the walking, the dating, the hair, the confidence. But I took notice. And I was afraid what it all meant for me. Was I finding myself in an unhealthy place of control and thinking I could somehow change my reality? Was I getting stuck? Was I going back?
And she said "what if..."
What if you aren't repeating the past and going back but continuing on from where you were?
Continuing. A mental haze was lifted. My eyes were back in focus. So simple. A single question that stopped the free fall spiral in my space-time continuum. I immediately felt like I had spun back into the same time as everyone around me.
I am not going backward. I am not repeating the summer to try and change the past. I am continuing...and just like last summer, my dad is helping me get there.
This is so good. So raw. Keep writing.