Can I just say I spent an hour or two typing out a post that continuously said it was saving only to find out it indeed did not save? Insert mad emoji face. It was about my breakup. I am still going to talk about the breakup but I guess I'll just start from where I left off. Maybe that other wasn't supposed to see the light of day - at least maybe not today. Long story short - we were friends first. We dated for years. We broke up twice - via text messages both times. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be in a relationship that ended via text - especially one that lasted years. One text was not very kind. The other was just cold.
I understood the impulse. The first breakup - the unkind text- was, thankfully, followed with a very emotional and respectful heart to heart. Had that been where things ended, I don't know that I'd be writing any of this today. He and I would probably still be friends - as much as exes can be. I thought we stood a shot at that. I even had a best friend say she really thought we'd stay friends. But it did not end there. And I ended up very hurt, confused, and angry.
I have brushed those emotions aside because I don’t want to feel that. It doesn’t feel right. I don’t want to be bitter. I don’t want to be disrespectful. I want to be full of love and compassion. I know he is more than who he was when we broke up. I guess that’s one thing that causes me so much confusion. I know he’s capable of more, so where is it? I also knew he was capable to completely shut someone out. We talked about that. He promised that would never be with me.
Disclaimer: I’ve said it before and I’ll reiterate - I am not trying to paint him in a bad light or talk crap about him. That’s not helpful to anyone. I respect the relationship we had. There is still love there, at least on my end. Heck, some days I still want to get back together - sometimes that's even most days. And...And I have a lot of pain and emptiness - combine that with the ache from my dad’s death. There's a gaping void and I desperately want a respite. This kind of emotion is very much a part of my story and my life. So I’m going to talk about the breakup and try to be mindful in the words I say while still expressing some very real and vulnerable emotions. Remember this is just part of a picture and story - the uglier part. But I assure you it wasn’t only this. Every day I have some good memory of him that sucker punches me. And I’m fully aware of times I was not the person I wanted to be or should have been and areas where I need to grow. This just isn’t that kind of post.
Fast forward to today. It has been almost one year since breakup number one. Just typing that makes me cringe. Almost a year? Breakup number one? Ugh! I had a moment last week and he has been on my mind nonstop. I started drafting other posts about him and if I wasn't typing, I was writing about him in my head. I cried in therapy today because of him. I am not over him. I am not over the breakup. I am mad I have to spend any time on this. I have not sorted through these feelings. I am miserably searching. I want an easy out. I am aware some of it - or maybe a lot of it - is seeking comfort. Breakups are extremely tough for me (as they are for everyone I suppose). Yeah, yeah I get it. Breakups suck and you just have to do the work, give yourself time, and move on. They happen to everyone and are just plain hard. The commonality doesn’t make it any easier. I’m knee deep in the suck and also feel a little lost - a lot lost. I lost my anchor. It’s a new feeling.
So this guy - This was a guy who said he wanted to marry me. He wanted it to be me. He wanted me by his side when we were old. We were moving forward with a plan. We dated for years and we were friends before that. We had adventures together. We traveled with each other’s families. We celebrated together. We cried together. We had tough conversations. We fought through some hard circumstances. He's the only guy I ever told "I love you."
I had questioned the relationship before and we had even discussed if we should break up. I was hesitant to ever start a relationship with him. I saw the writing on the wall. My friend "questioned his intentions" one time at a restaurant. Good friend there. Props to her. We seemed to interact with the world so differently. But that was also intriguing. Our friendship grew when I had a crush on someone else. But this guy grew on me when my walls were down. He was smart, athletic, and more tender-hearted than I initially saw. I liked his style and I was able to be completely myself. I had never felt that comfortable with a guy and only with a handful of friends. He really just wanted people around him to be happy. I saw a sweet guy and he did some really sweet things - especially right at first. Go figure.
But I had questions. I had doubts. His words and actions didn’t seem to match up. He hurt my feelings early on. He didn't "choose" me early on. I dismissed it as him just being clueless about relationships. His being kind of a doofus was sort of endearing. I let myself be convinced I was wrong. I am critical. I do question and over analyze everything so it was possible. I fear driving someone away with everything that goes through my head.
Or do my doubts just create a perpetual self-fulfilling prophecy? I don’t know that I’ll ever “know.” I talked in another post about feeling like I’m too much. He said over and over he just didn’t know how to express himself. I would ask him why he liked me and he couldn't give me a very definitive answer or it seemed too general. I would usually respond "that could be about any girl. What is it about me? What is it about me that makes you choose me?" I felt like a placeholder. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
I was looking at more than his words. My dad told me how much he always wanted to be around my mom - how he always wanted to talk to her. He was crazy about her. This guy didn't seem that way around me. Some days he even seemed to forget about me all together. I didn't understand. I reminded myself that everyone says relationships are hard and take work. You have to choose the other person. I thought this was all part of the "hard." We still chose each other. I felt like we were in it together. He had multiple chances to give up and didn’t. He even treated me so well with my arthritis flare ups. That kind of loyalty meant something to me. I didn't always understand but I couldn't dismiss the fact he was still around. I felt like we were in this together. Us against the world or something like that. And in 2021, my doubts were going away.
I'm an Enneagram 6 - The Loyalist. I may be a 6 but some would say I'm a Scranton 7.
For those unfamiliar, here is a quick overview of a 6. Sixes are fiercely loyal. They think of worst case scenarios and look to be prepared. They fear being without support and guidance. They desire security and support. I LOST ALL OF THIS when my dad died. This breakup was hard before my dad died but I still had a go to person. I was making positive strides. I still had my champion of support, guidance, and security. I had a person who was always in my corner. I still had my best friend and absolute most favorite person. I still had my dad. If you don't have a strong relationship with a parent, I am sure this doesn't really make sense. But my dad was the best. I can't even put it into words. I wrote a whole journal entry on what I lost. And everyday I find something else I could add to the list.
I lost two best friends in 2021 (my dad and my boyfriend) and had other friends disappoint me. I have written before how lonely and isolated I have felt. I still feel that way. I know I have friends but it's not the same. It’s not the same when you don’t have someone “doing life with you.” It’s not the same when you don’t have someone at your side - someone to talk to every day about the big things and the little things - a go to person - an errand person - a dreams person - an adventures person - a sit by you in the hospital person - a best friend - a partner.
Being late 30s, single, and no kids kind of makes me an outcast in most circles. But it was ok when I had my boyfriend. It was even ok when I had my dad. I was happy. I knew how fortunate I was to still be close with my dad - to be able to spend quality time with him every day. And I didn't take it for granted. But here I am - alone. 2021 was the first year I ever felt pressure. It was the first year I really questioned myself, my life, and my choices. And now I'm plagued with the question "how did I get here?"
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