Every breakup emotion is now intensified. Heartbreak, sadness, loneliness, longing, anger, hurt, betrayal, confusion, self doubt - all of them overtake me at times. Some days it feels so overwhelming and heavy. Other days it's as if I'm doing well and well on my way. This past week, though, has been particularly tough. Something got me started and it sent my emotions spiraling.
But I was reminded in therapy today, it wasn't a spiral. I need to get in touch with these feelings. It has always been tough for me to sort between my head and my heart. I have a habit of explaining away my feelings - of touching the surface then skirting away.
Honestly I don't know that I've ever been able to differentiate the two or been that in touch with my heart. I feel like I shouldn't still be hurting like this over an ex. It feels a bit frivolous even. Having to work through the loss of the relationship, the loss of a friend, the loss of connection, the loss of confidence, the loss of support, the loss of security, the loss of a future with him in it - in addition to losing my dad - complicates my emotions. I know my experience would be different at this point if my dad was still here. It's like I can only grieve one thing at a time. In addition to the breakup, there are a couple of other things I'm also working through. And I get mad that I have to spend time on anything else other than losing my dad.
I cried in therapy today. My heart has not caught up with reality or maybe it’s my mind that hasn’t. I know this is all normal. I know these feelings are what most people experience. I even feel kind of silly and lame for giving them the time of day. Like, I know I'll be ok but it doesn't feel that way yet.
I have said more than once "if he asked me to get back together, I don't know what I'd say."
That statement scares me. A big part of me knows the answer should be unequivocally "no." But there is a part of me that wants so badly to get back together. I'm just not sure what that part is. Is it pride and ego? Is it just a bandaid for the pain? Could it actually still be love? Could it be we are supposed to grow and find our way back to each other? Is it none of the above? Don't you hate those types of questions - A, B, C, both A and C, both B and C, none of the above, etc. Ick!
But I did reach out…twice. And was met with nothing…twice. One of those times was the day before my dad died. I wasn't trying to get back together, though I did want to make sure I had tried everything and wouldn't live with regret - the wondering of "what if I just reached out?" "What if I just helped him get out of his own way?" I wanted to break through the negativity. I didn't like what I was feeling and it wasn't just being broken up. There was a disrespect and a disconnect I wanted to get past - I felt like we should get past. Every time I heard his name, my stomach would sink. I would feel physically sick. I wanted to be able to look back fondly, with respect, and us both move forward.
One of the last conversations I had with my dad was about this guy - about me reaching out. Dad truly couldn’t believe there was no response. It cuts me to my soul thinking about that. It makes me heartsick and that sinking feeling is felt way down deep. Thinking about how part of the last hour - that last drive I had with my dad was spent talking about this. Why had I reached out to him the day before? Dad understood why. He thought it was the right thing to do. And he was gentle and direct in the advice that followed. He said "well, now you know you've done everything you could. He should have replied even if it was just to say 'I don't think we should be talking'. He has made it clear he wants nothing to do with you. And you don't need to reach out to him anymore. But he really should have responded to you."
I struggled if I should tell my ex about my dad's death. Dad literally told me the day he died to not reach out to him anymore. I didn't know what to do. I agonized about it for a few days but ultimately decided to tell him. I didn't want to take the chance away from him to do the right thing. He did text back a simple condolence and that's the last I have heard from him. I did, however, expect more.
The lack of other responses -that may very well have been necessary or maybe this or maybe that or it could have been…I have thought of so many scenarios. I do not understand. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. I tried to rationalize it. Maybe he was trying to be respectful and not introduce himself back into my life. Maybe he was afraid I would get attached to him in my grief and he didn't want to confuse me. Or maybe it wasn't any of that at all. I won't say the other options because they are mean. Regardless of the why, I do wish it was handled differently. I can’t say why it was that way and I can’t say if that way was right or wrong. It’s just what happened. And that has consequences.
Unequivocally no huh? Why is that? Sounds a little harsh. Really, it‘s just me trying to get my head and my heart matched up. I have to tell myself that because it’s not a real question! He hasn’t asked me to get back together. He hasn't asked me to be friends. That door is not open. What has he shown? Nothing - no indication of wanting me in his life. And that’s how most breakups go. And I know that is how it is. And I wouldn't want to be strung along any longer.
So why no? Because I don’t know that I can get over some actions - or inaction. Because I don’t know if I can count on him when the going gets tough. Because trust has been broken. Because he didn't reach out when I needed it. It all stings. I can tell myself this all day long. I have written out all the reasons to not get back together (as well as all the things I miss). I have written a letter of the hurt and anger (that no one will see). But for some reason, I still go to "what if".
Every day something reminds me of him. I gave away a lotion that reminded me of him because I bought it and used on one of our trips. That person puts it on every day at lunch. So every day I'm taken back to standing outside that Apple Store and the sun and palm trees and the string lights. It's like clockwork. And the universe isn't helping. It keeps reminding me of him…every single day. I hear about his state every day or see something posted about it or a commercial or this or that. I can’t get away from it. It’s kind of really annoying. Like what on earth?
And if I didn’t know better, I’d say all of the reminders would give me that last little push I need to reach out to him - to go to him with some grand gesture. And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t tempted. I have thought about it. Because it has been so in my face. I have even daydreamed about it. I have dreamed of the future we had planned or could have and then I am reminded how that is gone. It left with him. And I have daydreamed about him showing up at my door and surprising me. I need to stop.
I have been saying I want good things for him. I want him to do well. I qualify my negative feelings (that I don't say) by saying I'm just not ready to know about it yet. But that's not entirely true. I'm just not ready for it - period. I cry and hurt and feel so unloved - so unsupported, so alone. It's not fair for him to move on yet while I am in such a low valley- while I am in such pain. Now is this how I feel overall? No, it's not. I know it's not a matter of being fair or only wanting him happy if I'm happy. That would not be fair. At the end of the day I don't want him to suffer. But my feelings haven't caught up to what I know. I am angry and I am hurt and I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a little (big) pit in my stomach thinking of him doing well and thriving.
I struggled with making a post about any of this. I have edited a lot of what I originally said (just details and backstory) to maintain his trust, respect, and privacy. Just because some things might be factual accounts, it doesn't mean I should just put it out there. A relationship requires trust and intimacy and I wouldn't want to betray that. But I did want to paint an accurate picture of my emotions - as unfiltered as I could. I wanted to make it clear that my feelings and what I know in my head are not in sync. I haven't really thought much about how one of them is sometimes playing catch-up. Emotions are not logical and sometimes they're not even fair but they tell a story. And I've needed to listen. People connect with pain. And I am trudging through it. I look forward to the day when I see this post as just a step in my journey.
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