Who do you want to be in 10 years? A seemingly innocuous question. We are asked this at various points in our life. During a scholarship interview, during a job interview, during a midlife crisis, during a random Tuesday. Remember the hokey vision boards (ok not actually hokey)? We were answering this very question. We answered in written word. We answered with cut out magazine pictures. We used sharp scissors. We used decorative scissors. We ripped. We tore. We used poster board and we used glue sticks. All these simple items for a simple question. Simple? Yeah, right. I have my well crafted, already prepared answers to land the job. I know how to tick the boxes (or do you say check the boxes?). The job - it has an established structure. It is well laid out with defined roles and tasks and expectations. Success is measurable.
But here I am, thinking about my future. Thinking about life. It is uncertain. There is no perfectly curated answer. There was a time just a few months ago, in the thick of my grief, where I couldn't see a future. I didn't want to see a future. I wasn't sure how I would ever feel a way other than the hopelessness I was feeling. The sadness. The longing. The ache.
Then there's today. I am excited. I am scared. I am lonely. I am confused. I am hesitant. I am impulsive. How do I see myself in 10 years? I easily found some pictures to represent my ideas and dreams. In the immediacy, I was able to focus on the task at hand and get pictures onto a poster board. Easy enough. Mission accomplished. Give myself a little pat on the back. But it didn't stop there. That question has been ever-present the entire week. What was easy to glue down in 2 hours had suddenly become more complex.
My therapist knew I was going to this event and, of course, asked me to tell her about it. As I was talking I started spilling out my other thoughts since the actual making of the vision board. In 10 years I will be getting close to 50. That is nuts and seems impossible. A little panic starts to set in. Urgency. Life is happening day after day. Get busy living or get busy dying huh? The world is still spinning, even though I feel like I need a little pause to pick myself up.
Why aren't we given this time? Only one person in that room knew my dad had died - another cruel reminder of grief and loss. We do not get the luxury of that little comfort bubble for long. Quickly we are back in a world that is grinding, moving fast, and moving on - and we have to play catch up. We are in an unfair playing field. And most days I do not want to do this. Let me say that again. I do not want to do this.
I do not like to battle grief every single day. I do not like that I have to feel this way. I do not like trying to make something good out of the worst pain I have ever felt. I do not like this hand I was dealt. I do not like it, Sam I am.
So you may be curious, what have I come up with? Who do I want to be in 10 years? Let me try to answer that but also I can't answer that. The quick answers: involved in a local church, being a mentor, financially stable, eating healthier, walking every day, going to a gym/using a home gym, stimulating my mind, connecting with friends, building and maintaining relationships, happily married, traveling, making a difference, dancing whenever I want. These are some of the goals I listed. That helps to give focus, to help me think, to help me make a plan and put it into action. It helped me to take baby steps.
But, I told my therapist the goal of 10 years started to overwhelm me a bit. I just have a goal to get out of this place first. I am still struggling with feeling lost, with feelings of loss. I am still in so much pain. But, yes, some weight has been lifted. It is being held up, oh so carefully, in these words. So, for me, right now I am just focused on smaller goals. Some days that is just putting one foot in front of the other. Other days it is dreaming big and pushing down the gas.
I am in a unique position. I am not married. I do not have kids. I can dream big and make a decision with little impact on those around me. This is exciting, almost exhilarating. How many people get to take hold of their dreams and can truly see them within their grasp? It is also scary and overwhelming. Dreaming is uncertain. It lacks stability. With such a vast picture in front of me, what is the first step? I struggle to know my strengths, my passions, my dreams. I don't always know what makes me uniquely me and what it is I bring to the table. I've always thought someone else brings more. What a problematic thought.
I have a lot of time on my hands to think. I have a lot of time to scroll social media. I notice the picture perfect world full of success and creativity and passion. I see people who have found a means to achieve their dreams. I find myself thinking I can do that. Wouldn't that be fun? I have thought I could be a successful author. I could run a bed and breakfast. I could be a travel critic. I could find a job at a hotel like that lady I met in Anguilla. I could, I could, I could. I see my 10 year self in a variety of potential places.
Some days I want to just up and move to a city. I have always dreamed of this and find myself wishing I did this years ago. I have wanted so bad to be young and in love and in the city. To live in a small condo. To be able to walk to restaurants. To be able to get involved. To meet people. To participate in endless activities. To go to games and go to shows. To have ample opportunity to try, to fail, and then to try again. There's a different energy in the city. But I am also not currently in a big city. I am closer to home. To a slower pace. To day to day memories with family. To strong, loyal, and tightly knit communities. I see myself here too.
I see myself in a modern home with floor to ceiling windows overlooking some amazing view - nestled in some forest of tall, alpine trees - lounging by an infinity pool that seems to fall into the most perfectly clear blue water - staring at thousands of lights imperfectly lit among a line of skyscrapers. I want all of this.
I spoke in therapy today about struggling to dream and she helped me find some perspective, at least in pursuing passions and dreams. Previously I have had all these passing thoughts of what to do in life and dismiss ideas as a "the grass is always greener" thought. I talk myself out of whatever I'm thinking. I think I'm just getting caught up in comparison. Or I find all the things that could go wrong, so I get convinced I had a bad or stupid idea. Or I think someone out there is already doing this and they're going to be able to do it much better. So we discussed how many people don't even know they have these passions until they try.
And that's how this blog started, or at least sort of how it started. From just trying. From putting an idea into action. Writing a blog had been on my mind for years. Now I am doing it. I may come to find I hate it. But, for now, I love it. It is of benefit to me, and more importantly, I hope someone else is able to benefit from it.
I want a lot. I always have. I have never felt limited in what I can achieve. Maybe it's because I really do have limitless potential or maybe I am just one of those darn entitled Millennials who was told I was special. Maybe I'm a little of both. Right now I find myself looking out at all these opportunities. The fact I am even able to feel that way is no small feat.
But, as my therapist said "what do we do with that?" My default answer tends to be "I don't know" and I'm quickly reminded "that is a starting point, not an answer." For now, I am at "I don't know..." There are so many possibilities. Too many possibilities. "Analysis paralysis", as they say. I find myself scared to jump. I find myself scared to stand still. I don't know where to jump. If I jump now, where will I land? If I don't jump now, will life pass me by? So I take small steps. I take some sort of action. I say yes to opportunities. I look for opportunities. I just do something and, if I have to, I can do something else tomorrow.
I hope I am not the person I want to be in 10 years. I hope I am better. I hope I am able to surpass what my heart and mind can dream right now. Because right now I am here. I am a little stuck and a little lost and my dreams are still limited by my own experiences. I feel the weight of grief every day. I hope I start yesterday in finding my purpose and making a difference. I hope I live a life well-lived even when it's ordinary. I hope I gain so many experiences that allow me to dream bigger. I hope my future is more than I can ever see in my dreams. I hope.
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