Hokey. The word of the day. I guess everyone has different ideas of what "hokey" means to them. I looked up the definition. The words that match my mind's image include: phony, fake, corny, and very silly. That is how many techniques for growth or motivational tools feel for me. I have never been the type to write goals on post-its or inspirational quotes on my mirror. None of it seems very "me". I absolutely think this can work for people. But for me? I absolutely cringe at the thought. That might be too strong of a description. Let's go back to it being hokey. There seems to be this whole movement towards manifestation. Is this real life or does it just look good on social media? I can say it definitely lends itself to a whole set of well constructed, aesthetically pleasing posts. I am not sold. Do I see helpful elements? Yes. Though it seems too broad sweeping and does not account for the whole emotional spectrum. But also, what do I know? I have exactly zero training on this, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn (one of dad's go to dad jokes). To me, it just seems like it sets so many people up to fail and does not fully equip us to handle the negative emotions we may experience. What do we do when we are crushed or desperate or depressed and someone says "you just need to choose to be happy"? It's invalidating and overly simple.
Now let's get to the parts that do work - the parts that I don't exactly embrace - the parts that make me squirm - the parts that require something of me. And that is a conundrum. Apparently, we as humans need to adapt, change, grow. This is hard. It is hard to look at all the parts of ourselves. It's even harder when you're in the valley of your own story. Two weeks ago (maybe three) my therapist made the brave decision to push me, to challenge me. Was I ready? Did she know how I would react? We started going through my life, my present and my future. She did not come out with this info unprompted. I had been feeding her all kinds of info about myself. But she provided the mirror to me and helped guide the commentary. The default life - the life that we know - the good and the bad - what we automatically turn to - boxed in by our own bias. And if we do not "interrupt the drift" we stay here. And "here" is not home for me.
So what am I supposed to do? First, she had me write down my "defaults" - when things don't go my way, how do I react? No judgment but necessary to name and recognize. We talked about my list. She helped me identify patterns. We worked on a plan. But mostly it helped me find the motivation to "shake things up." I am not who I want to be. I was struggling with this in early 2021 before my dad died. I was not unhappy with myself but I was ready for more. I struggled with my purpose. I struggled with connection. I struggled figuring how who I am to this world. I struggled that my life looked very different from the people around me. A couple months later my boyfriend broke up with me. A few months after that, my dad died. Bam. Bam! Now what? It is so cliche but life is short. I do not have time to keep thinking of this person I want to be, this person I hope to be. If not now, when? Gah, I hate hearing crap like that. But ugh how true it is and it's not actually crap.
What does shaking things up look like for me? Stepping out of my comfort zone. I am ever so carefully testing the waters by putting in just the very tip of my toe. I am jumping in with both feet, eyes closed, cannonball style. I am doing both. I am looking for ways to connect. One way is this blog. I have set a goal for myself (but I don't have it written anywhere). What next? Do you know what I saw on Facebook? A targeted ad perhaps? Not quite. I saw a girl I play coed with post an event she was going to be attending. Guess the event. Vision boards. Are you kidding me?? Do you know what night?? That very night - conveniently on my day off - conveniently 30 minutes after my therapy appointment. Coincidence? I messaged her and asked if there were any openings. Of course there were. So I RSVP'd to a Facebook event. Who am I?
The day progressed. I had a headache. I felt nauseated. This has happened several times before with my tension headaches. I took some Tylenol (the red coated kind) and continued on with my errands. A winter storm/ice storm was heading our way and I needed to prepare. I went to the grocery and to Walgreens and to Lowe's (a post for another day). I grabbed a bowl of soup at a little cafe because I hadn't eaten since breakfast. I could eat half. I was still feeling sick to my stomach. I sucked it up and walked into therapy. I told my therapist what I was doing later and how I've always viewed the idea of vision boards as kind of hokey. She pointed out at least I was open to going and how very timely the event was for me. I walked out and was still not feeling well. I got in my car and thought "I am going to have to cancel. I need to just go home and try to sleep. Why today?" But I drove downtown anyway. I had about 10 minutes to sit and wait. I legit thought I was going to be sick. My stomach was gurgling. I got out anyway hoping that maybe, just maybe it was nerves. And if not, I'd tackle whatever happened.
I walked in and grabbed a water. I said hi to the girl I knew and another person introduced herself. I found a place to sit down (thank goodness). More people arrived and I listened as they chit chatted and gabbed and connected. The time had arrived to walk through creating a vision board. That started with establishing goals and a vision statement. I had not expected it to be quite that detailed. I had thought of two or three goals earlier in the day but this was going to push me. Tonight's goal was to envision the person we want to be in 10 years. What does she look like? What is her day to day life? What is her faith/spirituality? Her family? Fitness? Friends? Fun? Finances? We sifted through lots of magazines to find visuals to represent these goals. I can get behind that. I am able to identify what I am looking for when I see it much easier than grabbing it out of thin air. I did not quite finish my vision board because of time but they aren't meant to be rigid (I am assuming). I walked out of that experience with some direction and the possibility to attend more meetings. It may have been hokey (are you tired of the word yet?) but it was so on point for what my life needed right now. I thanked the speaker and the business owner who opened up her place. I walked to my car carrying this poster thinking how ridiculous it looked out of context. I said earlier "none of it seems very me." That is exactly right and that is exactly why I have to do it.
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