I believe in a thing called love. Yes, I'm referencing the song. Yes, I hope it gets stuck in your head. You're welcome. It's Valentine's Weekend- woop woop or wah wah. I was trying to figure out what to write about for this weekend. And it brought me back - way back. Back to my first real date. I was in college. It was February 13 - the day before Valentine's Day. What a sucker - who takes a girl on a first date that weekend? We had been hanging out and talking (on msn messenger *gasp*) for about a month. We would watch movies that I don't remember because I was so nervous I just talked the whole time. We watched music video countdowns after late night practices. I wasn't fixed up or looking nice. I had wet hair from hurriedly showering after practice. And somehow he still asked me out on a real date. So we drove the hour it took to go somewhere nice to eat dinner - O'Charley's. Then the next day was Valentine's Day, because that's how a calendar works. I stressed over what kind of gift to give or if I even should give one. We had gone on one date. What was the protocol? He picked me up a rose at the gas station, a bag of Hershey's kisses, and a card that he wrote a sweet note in. He gave me the rose in a gym full of people because he was working the ticket booth. This was a big deal to me. I was nervous. We were now on display, or at least it felt that way. I bought him a Mr. Potato Head because he said I made a lot of faces. That was a good Valentine's Day weekend. We broke up a year later.
I am off on the 14th. I don't have to see anybody if I don't want to. This is the first year in several years I don't have a boyfriend. Will it be hard? So far I'm doing ok. I feel like I have been let down a lot on Valentine's Day. I do want some big, romantic gesture. It doesn't have to be expensive, extravagant, or elaborate. It doesn't even really have to be that day or even that weekend. What does it have to be? Thoughtful, intentional - and a little showmanship wouldn't hurt. But this feeling of being let down really bothers me. Why does it happen? It feels like it has to be me. And that I'm expecting too much - that I'm being too critical. I try to be thoughtful. I try to be really thoughtful. Sometimes I hit the mark. Sometimes I don't. Most days it feels like no one even notices. Is it even being thoughtful if no one sees it? Reminds me of "if a tree falls in the woods..."
One year a guy I was dating got me hyped up. He told me how excited he was for our Valentine's Day date - how much he had been planning - how he had a big surprise. That is a dangerous thing to say. I watch rom-coms. Do you know what you have just said to me, sir? So the big day came. He got to my house early so he could go ahead and start cooking (I knew this part of the plan). I checked in on the camera while I was at work to see if I could catch any spoilers. He had put a shirt over it. Omg! What was he planning? Was he decorating? Would there be candles? Balloons? A fancy table? Like, what is happening? Eeeeee!!! I get home, fully expecting to be surprised and to see something. I open the door wide and...nothing. Not one single decoration. And those dang unflattering overhead lights were on. Stupid rom-coms set me up to be perpetually disappointed. He hadn't done anything wrong, right? Right, he hadn't done anything wrong. So why did it feel that way? What was wrong with me? And this post isn't meant to bash him or paint him in a bad light. This is about me and my reaction and my struggles.
I felt a bit deflated. I smiled and I did appreciate what he was doing. He was making one of my favorite meals. He even shaped the chicken into a little heart-actually a big heart.
How cute? But where was the surprise? What had he been hiding? A pot on the stove filled with melting chocolate. And a tray of strawberries and marshmallows. That was what he was hiding. To call it a surprise was a bit of a stretch - I had already told him I really wanted chocolate covered strawberries and that we could just make them. But he did up the game and added the makeshift fondue. I turned on the playlist I made - not full of lovey dovey songs - but carefully selected songs that meant something to me (to us). Songs that made me think of him or of fun times we spent together. Songs that he sang to me...on repeat...ALLLL weekend long no matter how annoying. Like Flock of Seagulls when we watched Psych. Like Matt and Kim because we went to that concert together. I sat there with conflicting emotions. We had a good dinner. We had a fun weekend. I was smiling and I was disappointed. What? Again, I thought "what is wrong with me?" I remember thinking this is THE MOST I would ever get from him. He was proud of himself. Would this be enough? I decided it would be, it had to be. I was mad at myself for questioning him, for questioning us. I was mad at myself for being critical. I was mad at myself for even thinking it might not be enough. I was mad at myself for my feelings. I told myself my expectations were too high and unfair. I was looking for something scripted and not real.
My love languages seem to bounce all over the place (I like them all). I *think* my top two are words of affirmation and quality time, though I think it fluctuates depending on what is going on in my life. I need to hear why...a lot. I need it to be specific and unique. If it's not, then who am I compared to any other girl? I get overwhelmed and need acts of service. I need focused time. I need. I often feel too much, too needy. But my therapist reminds me we are humans. We have needs and these needs must be met. Relationships are one of the most important things to me, if not THE most important. Not just romantic but all types of relationships. It's how I try to show God's love. So why do I feel unloved and why do I feel like I fail? This feeling of being let down really bothers me. I said that earlier. I repeated it because it weighs on me. It makes me feel like I have too high of expectations. It makes me feel unseen. It makes me feel like I am too critical when I try to communicate. It makes me feel like I can't be in a relationship. It makes me feel unlovable. It makes me feel like I fail at the most important of things. It scares me. What if it is true? And then there are days I know it's not true. I don't feel like I expect too much. In fact, sometimes, it seems I tolerate far too much. That I look at myself and think "that is the bare minimum. Do not let that be enough."
So which is it? Do I expect too much or not enough? Do I tolerate too much or am I too critical? Will I ever be happy and loved? What kind of life will I live? Am I asking for something that I can't give? Look out, T. Swift, I'm coming for ya with these lyrics. I'm spinning gold here. Fool's gold maybe.
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