Q: How are you?
A: Fine. Q: How are you?
A: I’m good. You?
Q: How you doing?
A: Doing well. You?
Q: How you doing?
A: I’m okay.
Q: How you doing?
A: Not great. Q: How are you?
A: I don’t know. As good as can be expected I guess. Q: How are you? A: Um, well not great.
Q: How are you?
A: I'm terrible. Thanks for asking. My best friend, my support, my counselor, my confidant, my errand buddy, my 2 hour phone call, my biggest fan...my dad...died! In front of me! 3 days after we celebrated him! It wasn't supposed to be like this. My world stopped. My whole life has been turned upside down. I don't know which way is up. I don't want to be here. I have no one to turn to. My ex ghosted me and it hurts he hasn't reached out. 2 of my best friends just gone out of my life. I don't know how to handle the deafening silence when I am alone. I don't know how to handle the loss. I don't want to handle the loss. I don't want a future without my dad in it. My mom is devastated. I have to figure out a way to keep her afloat long enough until she can find her legs and start fighting on her own. But I can't even fight enough for myself. I can't remember anything. Everything makes me cry. No one gets it. It all feels unbearable and insurmountable. It is exhausting and makes me mad having to answer dumb questions like "how are you" and put on a happy face...for you. How do you freaking think I am? But I'm here. I'm putting one foot in front of the other. Oh. Where are my manners? And how are you? *eye roll, forced smile, and gritted teeth*
Sound familiar? I haaaated those kind of questions. Actually, I loathed them. They made me want to crawl out of my skin and punch someone. Gah, those were some of the most infuriating questions and sometimes the hardest to answer. Do I give a real and genuine answer? Or do I silence my grief?
Did I get asked those same questions from people genuinely ready to hear the ugly and real answers? Yes, yes I did. And I am grateful for those who looked me in the eye and listened (or figuratively for those who were long distance). But that was the exception. Most of the time it was just exhausting and awkward. A fleeting question..almost on automatic. I was not doing well. I didn’t want to be where I was. I was barely holding on. Every part of me was just trying to get through the day and then I had to field such seemingly mindless questions. Like, did...you...even...think?
I am not one who is just going to put on a happy face. And I sure wasn’t going to pretend in early grief. People needed to know. People needed to understand. So every day I struggled with the answer. Because in my mind I thought “you can’t handle the truth.”
So then the griever gets tasked with not only managing their own emotions but those of the people around them. Because answering truthfully would just make the other person uncomfortable. I know a lot of people would just take that burden on and answer with a reply that was satisfactory enough. But not this girl. I wasn’t letting anyone off the hook. Now, random people I encountered like the cashier at the grocery store? They got a pass. But the people who knew? The people who saw me a week later? The people I considered friends? Nope. I wasn’t going to hide my pain. I mean let’s get real, yes I was. If I actually showed my pain I wouldn’t have been functioning at my job or in my every day life. But I wasn’t going to gloss over that question with an easy out.
And when it felt like I had had enough...I got a DM on Instagram. It changed my whole perspective. The most memorable, perhaps most poignant, question I was asked early on was “how is your heart today?” What a simple question. But is it though? Why did I only hear it once? What went on in this person's life that she knew what to ask? Where had she learned this?
"How is your heart today?"
Um, excuse me?... What?...Hand to heart in appreciation and disbelief...Um. Uh...Let me re-read that..."How is your heart today?"...Long pause...Well...Wait what? What was the question? My heart? What does that even mean? How do I answer that? Gosh, why do I not even know? No one has asked me that. So thought provoking. So caring. The right question.
Here is my unedited reply.
Good question. Still broken. Still heavy. Still empty. Still just going through the motions. And still feels so alone. And not ready (denial). I'm not at a place to really enjoy much. I don't think that really answers your question. The counselor wants me to really be focused and present on what I'm feeling instead of "processing." I don't know that I can truly understand what that means...not yet anyway. I think the latter is more what you're asking about and I really just don't know.
That question showed me I could answer openly and honestly to this person. That question showed me the other person was receptive to listen. To hear me. To see me. To spend time sitting with me in my grief. This person was a beacon of hope, a soft light where I felt seen and understood...under the soft glow of my phone in a few random instagram DMs. Who knew?
At some point I plan to write a post [or a series of posts] on how to show up for people in their grief. Until then, remember this simple question "how is your heart today?" And when you ask, be prepared to listen. Talk less. Listen more. Most of what we feel compelled to say is more to alleviate our discomfort than that of the person grieving.
However, I will say everyone grieves differently. What resonated with me may not be what your person needs. But I hope I have helped you find a starting point. From my own experience, and from what I have read, showing up and letting the person be heard are two of the most important actions you can offer. I so desperately wanted someone around me to acknowledge just how bad it was...just how much my life was changing. I needed to feel the pain. I needed to talk. I needed to be heard and not silenced. It is not a time to shut someone down. And that is so hard for those of us around that person who is in such pain. I get it. I want to be the one who helps too.
So I encourage you to talk less and ask someone "how is your heart?"
Comments