Pull up your music library or maybe your favorite playlist. Hit shuffle. Sit back. Close your eyes. Are they closed? Close them. Yeah, it's cheesy. Just do it. 20 seconds and GO! OK, I didn't quite think this through. You have to open them to keep reading. Read this paragraph, then try it again. What do you hear? What song is it? How does it make you feel? What do you see? Where does it take you? Back to a party? The open road, windows down? Does it make you want to dance? To cry? Does it make you want to call up an old friend and reminisce “hey, you remember that time…?”
I got into making playlists - not as many as I would like. I made travel playlists. Or at least downloaded a new album to listen to on a trip. Folklore was THE album of 2020 for me, but I digress. Talk about a whole mood and outta nowhere. I made a playlist for a friend's wedding - while the bridal party got ready. It loosely told a story. Single life. Girl moves far away. Unexpectedly meets a guy - the guy. She crushes. He crushes. They fall in love. Marriage. I have a break up playlist. I have a swimming playlist -two actually.
And then there are songs that are on my mental playlist - an inner Rolodex (yikes for that reference) of memories at the ready from the very first notes. And then I’m taken back - taken back to college, to front porch parties, to an elevator, to dancing in a hotel room, to plane rides, to a breakup, to my dad dancing on the pool deck, to nights and days of grieving alone.
The song I listened to the most in 2021 was “Bedhead” by Manchester Orchestra - the acoustic version more often than not. I loved it from the first time I heard it on an XM preview. I think it fits the “hauntingly beautiful” category. I heard loss in it - sudden and unwelcome. Pain. I heard motion - moving forward down an unexpected road - different from the life imagined. A different reality but somewhat trapped in the past and what could’ve been. I saw myself. I saw my ex. I listened to it on repeat early on after the breakup. I would fall asleep to it. My favorite lyric and notes..."it's not what I want, but I'm figuring it out."
breakup playlist/songs that take me back there:
Bedhead - Manchester Orchestra
All your Exes - Julia Michaels
Into the Mystery - NEEDTOBREATHE
Banks - NEEDTOBREATHE
Follow You - Imagine Dragons
Way Less Sad - AJR
Games - Tessa Violet & lovelytheband
Missing Piece - Vance Joy
Traitor - Olivia Rodrigo
Driver’s License - Olivia Rodrigo
exile - Taylor Swift ft. Bon Iver
Someday I’ll Be Happy - OCTAVIO the Dweeb
Overwhelmed - the cast of Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist
Bethel Music
I bought a blue tooth speaker on Amazon. I looked and looked for just the right one. But also cheap, let’s be real here. I got one in aqua. I failed to read the measurements because, I mean, it was aqua. Sold. It fit in my hand. But I loved it. And so did my dad. He thought it was really neat and that’s such a “him” thing to say. I turned on my playlist every day at the pool. And I played that one so much, I made a second one. Dad commented how nice it was having the addition of the music. He said it really added to it as we sat there floating around the pool. He even put me a chair up and a little table and called it Mel’s Corner or maybe nook. I don’t remember. 😢 He wanted me to have a place to set the speaker. We just floated around - talking, planning, connecting.
My dad provided me such support and such love all the time and his help during the breakup helped carry me. Even during his chemo I felt such strength from him. I cried to him the day after we broke up. I poured my heart out sitting in a drive-thru line at Arby’s. And he poured into me. He was there for me. He took up for me. He provided for me. He listened to me. He consoled me. He understood me. He motivated me. He spent time with me. He laughed with me. Slowly, with his help, I took steps to move on. To not sit stagnant and only broken hearted. To be happy.
I started walking everyday. I started trying to eat a little better. I had songs for the walks- a breakup soundtrack. And at night I wanted to help get myself back to a good place mentally. I started listening to Bethel music every night until I fell asleep.
"It is Well" played one day on my radio. I don't remember why I was playing music on that drive. Usually I had the radio off when dad was in the car. He commented how good it was. From that moment on, that song became significant to me. I knew it would play at my dad's funeral some day. I had no idea that some day would be just a few months later.
I have only been able to listen to those same Bethel songs once or twice since my dad died. I was on a good path, making progress, and I got knocked off with such force. I was back on the ground. I couldn’t connect. The songs made me angry. The songs made me sad. I have only been able to sing along with worship at church once. The first several Sundays I just cried. I did not feel joyful. I did not feel thankful. I did not feel full of praise. It all felt a bit hollow and trite.
I began making more Instagram stories. Each one was well thought out and conveyed very real messages from me. 98% of the time (not an accurate statistic) the lyrics were deliberate and meaningful. I think I may do some posts where I break some of them down - what was I feeling? Why that pic? Why that song? Why that part? I needed the connection. I needed to feel seen. I needed a little bit of a creative outlet. I wish I was an artist and could channel my energies into something profoundly beautiful yet universal. I love the feeling of a brush covered in paint and the way it glides.
For a brief moment, those stories were my canvas.
For most people, it is 10-15 seconds of half paying attention while killing some time - a mere blip that wouldn’t be remembered even 15 minutes later. But that’s ok. It was for me. The time I spent working on a story - I was processing. I was feeling. I was grieving. I don't know exactly the first day I turned up the volume. It was at least a couple months of being in a fog. The radio was mainly just background noise. Then one day I wanted the song to be louder. Could it be that I was actually enjoying it? Could it be the fog lifted, if just for those 3 minutes of song?
grief playlist/and songs that made me turn up the volume:
Bedhead - Manchester Orchestra
Telepath - Manchester Orchestra
Wrecked - Imagine Dragons
Someday I’ll be Happy - OCTAVIO the Dweeb
Overwhelmed - Royal & the Serpent
The Anchor - Bastille
epiphany - Taylor Swift
this is me trying - Taylor Swift
evermore - Taylor Swift ft. Bon Iver
marjorie - Taylor Swift
Record Player - Daisy the Great/AJR
We’re All Going Home - The Wanderer
Not Alone - Matt&Kim
Saturn - Sleeping at Last
Snow - Sleeping at Last
Two - Sleeping at Last
Here We Go - Wild
Awake My Soul - Mumford & Sons
Suit and Jacket - Judah & the Lion
Meet me at our Spot - THE ANXIETY (Live)
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