So today I am struggling. Really, I have been for a couple of weeks, off and on. I spoke about the big wave that I was seeing off in the distance - my dad's birthday. The anticipation really weighed on me and brought tears on most days. I feel like I have kind of gone radio silent. It hasn't actually been that long since I have written a post, but it feels like ages. I work on some element of the blog most days. That may be the actual writing or organizing or editing or creating social media content. I haven't been able to do much of that all week. At first, it was because I was fixated on doing some productive research. That would, in turn, fuel me even more. I was content making that that concession.
But then, I got turned even more upside down - so overwhelmed and full of hurt that I didn't need to be trying to write a post. I just had to take time to process and give myself time to feel. What I would have written would have been so drenched in my hurt and pain, that it would hurt me [maybe others] and just be damaging. But I have goals with this blog, so I am just going to start typing and try to create a somewhat coherent post.
Last week I was on a high after therapy. We reignited some goals of mine, and I was given some beginning info. I immediately came home and started googling - trying to wrap my head around some of it. From there, I really started to feel like I was taking off and making some progress. I dove in head first. I was researching and dreaming. I was getting a whole plan ready to go. I couldn't sleep because I was so excited. Between that and preparing for my dad's birthday, I didn't have a lot of free time to just sit and write. And I just wasn't in that headspace. But that was OK. I knew I'd get back to it soon after satisfying that initial impulse to do all the research and start making some decisions.
We ended up getting together as a family to take time to remember and honor dad. I don't know the actual word for it but I guess you could say it was "nice." There were times I was sad and it was hard. But I would rather have that than not do it at all. But then...after finishing cake...I got hit with another wave. I did not see that one coming...AT ALL! And I've been reeling ever since. I felt it rush over my whole body - inside and out.
I am so full of emotions. It literally feels like they're coursing through my veins. I could feel it in my chest and my throat. There was a deep ache and pit in my stomach. I felt sick and couldn't eat for a few days. My arms went cold and felt like they could not be contained. I did not know what to do with myself. I had so much emotional energy just bursting inside.
And I haven't written, because I have not had the capacity to do so. Nothing would be coherent and there was too much raw emotion. I was not in a place where I could write about it...or anything else. It took up every ounce of the reserves I had left. I felt defeated. I feel defeated. I felt like I undid all of my progress. I did not.
While I am still processing all of that, I have taken the time to write just for myself. When I didn't know what to do, that's what I did...I wrote. I got the words out. I got them down. And I encourage that for yourself too. I am still figuring out how to actually be in touch with my emotions and to not think everything away. I am learning how to hear what the feelings are telling me. I am trying to figure out and sort through the lies and deception that my so called default life tells me. Those thoughts and feelings that are automatic, familiar, and comfortable - even when they're horribly wrong.
What is true? What is a lie? How do I know? I do know I have areas where I need to grow. I somewhat know what they are. But now I feel like they're covered with all these false thoughts - a Trojan horse I gifted myself...these lies I have convinced myself are true and helpful. So much of where I was confused and feeling like too much or questioning myself and my sanity and thinking I was being too critical...the times when I put so much on myself...so much blame...so much doubt...so many questions...so much anxiety...so much time - a lot of that has answers now.
So I've been learning about our default modes in therapy. Essentially it is where we go in times of stress or when things aren't going our way - our wandering minds. We can get in our own way if we do not recognize the negative patterns and behaviors. Do I always buy into some of this "change your thinking" talk? Ummm, I will say I am skeptical at best some days. But what do I know? My mind is powerful and that power can take me so high but also spiraling down so quickly. So when I am told I have to interrupt those default modes, you better believe I'm willing to do that work [i.e. vision board post]. Because my current default mode is exhausting and affects the people in my life. I want to do better and that means leaving the comfort of what I know.
My default mode takes me to so many wrong places. It's like going through a maze, thinking I am finding my way out, only to realize I am in so much farther than I realized...and now I don't even know where I started or how to get back there. And then...then I realize...it wasn't a maze at all but a never ending loop. I have spun myself around to so many places, I feel like at times I don't even know who I am. What part of myself do I trust? What part of myself can I trust?
Where do I go when hit with things like this? Self doubt. Control. I get in my head and that can take me out of the present moment. I ruminate on questions trying to find answers when there are none...or at least not answers I can find on my own. I feel like I'm trying to take time to analyze and grow. But right now, I get stuck. Right now, I'm believing things that just aren't true. I don't feel like I know which way is up or how to trust my gut. I feel like I have so many parts of myself screaming at me and I don't know how to listen to the right parts and drown out the rest.
In an earlier post, I had asked the question "how did I get here?" I knew before...but I didn't listen. The problem is, I know the answer...at least now it's smacking me in the face. Or maybe it's not actually a problem. But today...today it is. I have so much anger. I have so much hurt. I have so much pain. I feel so foolish and I can pinpoint to so many moments and tell you...THAT...that is how I got here. I mean yes, life happens and all that...dad's death has forever changed me and I could not change that outcome. But oh, the things I could change!
People say they have no regrets. They wouldn't change a thing. Because those mistakes made them who they are today. OK, yes I see their point but...I am not there on this one. Will I bounce back? Yes. Will I use this as an opportunity for growth? Also, yes. But this shouldn't have been my life. I saw the writing on the wall and I ignored it. I fought when I didn't need to fight. I doubted truth. I doubted what I knew. I have subdued all these amazing qualities in myself thinking I'm this other person...thinking I need to change x, y, and z.
I have spent so much time trying to figure out my role in negative outcomes with people...where I went wrong...where I wasn't enough...where I was too much of this and not enough of that - to the point of feeling unlovable and like it's just always a "me"problem. Lies! Deception! Trickery! Was I "my best self" all the time? Absolutely not! Have I looked back and cringed at some actions and behaviors I did and words I said? Yes, so much yes. Do I want to run to people and say so many different things to them? Yep. Do I want to run to people and choose differently? Ugh, yes! Yes, I do. I was better than who I showed myself to be in those moments.
But I've also got to give myself a little grace. I am not perfect and to think otherwise is so detrimental. Sometimes I was doing the best I could with the information I had. Sometimes I was reacting as a result of not having my needs met. Sometimes I was fighting losing battles with people who had already walked out of the ring. Sometimes it wasn't me at all. Sometimes what I thought was a "me" problem was a "you" problem every step of the way. And sometimes I was engaging in just really crappy and reactive behavior.
So in these coherent ramblings, what should I take from them? What should you take from them? Honestly, I don't know. I did not know where this post would lead. I have been in such a tough place. What I have been feeling are really ugly emotions. So I took the time to write them out in a letter - a letter that no one else will see. Then I turned here. I just started writing. I guess I want to encourage you and encourage myself. If you recognize some of these default modes or just your own negative patterns and behaviors, take action.
Your mind is a liar and of your own making. You're fighting yourself. And if you're already fighting, why not fight for yourself instead of against?
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